Busyness, Boundaries and Burnout

Lately I have felt like I just want to rest all the time.  To be honest, that doesn’t mean that I get any rest at all, however I can feel my body craving  it.  With my own business to run and two small children there is little chance for any rest, and when I should be going to bed early and getting more rest my brain just wants to have chillax time – usually watching my latest favourite series on Netflix or Apple TV, rather than doing myself good and having an early night.

It is also December with dark nights ahead of us for some time yet, a season whilst lovely and twinkly with, as my children like to celebrate, Halloween, Bonfire Night and Christmas – I usually find it even harder to have the energy needed to meet even the most basic of goals.

So what can I do about it?  Well one of the first things I would recommend to my clients is that they go to the GP and get checked – often something simple can remedy these feelings (like finding out I was hugely vitamin D deficient last year), or if there is any stress, anxiety or depression suspected then it is important to speak to the relevant health professional.

But what if generally health is ok, however you are aware that you are not 25 years old any more, with small children, a house that is constantly upside down, dealing with executive function challenges, perimenopause and a schedule that does not allow any time for self care?

One of the most important things that I support my clients on is helping them to remove the guilt and stigma that has been created in putting themselves first.  I work with so many women and men who whilst I can visibly see them pushing themselves to the edge of the cliff, find it almost impossible to recognise the signs that they need to slow down.  The ADHD brain can be a blessing and a curse, most people when I start to work with them rarely speak to themselves in a kind way and they motor through life built on a belief system that is not serving them. 

One thing I have tried to do over the last couple of years since leaving my corporate role and becoming a coach is to practice what I preach.  Do I do it?  Not always of course, however these days I do try to check in with myself and listen to what my body is telling me.  The days where I just powered through without raising the flag and saying ‘this isn’t working for me I need a break’, are gone, that’s not to say I stop the moment I feel overwhelmed or cognitively overloaded, however I now recognise the signs, I’m more aware and I do nip it in the bud before I end up in the foetal position wondering what went wrong. 

Society dictates that being busy is being successful.  We live in a world where if you are not busy, something must not be working out.  In the corporate world we used to wear our busyness like badges of honour.  Of course we can’t avoid being busy – managing careers, businesses, families, relationships, health, hobbies the list goes on is without a doubt ‘busy’ and a lot of us don’t ask for that level of busy.  However the key is to recognising that we are overbusied before it gets too late.  Being aware of the warning signs and doing something about it.

A few years ago I remember not being sure what was wrong with me.  I did not feel like myself.  I felt like I had changed and wondered if I would ever feel joyful again.  I had beautiful kids, a happy relationship and a decent career so what was wrong with me?  I remember having to go into hospital and being grateful that I was having a general anaesthetic.  It would give me at least 24 hours to sleep and an excuse to not be available for everyone for at least a day – everyone, being work and I’m ashamed to admit it my family.  Looking back I was clearly burnt out, not really understanding then was burn out was.  I was still breathing so surely I was fine and it couldn’t be burn out?  How little we really know about it  (burnout is something to come back to in another musing) and how rarely we do what is needed to take proper care of ourselves. When you need to be checked into hospital and knocked out with anaesthetic to get any rest, the alarm bells are ringing.

I work with many people who are at high risk of ADHD burnout.  ADHDers have a tendency to keep going, to ignore the warning signs until it is too late.  A part of this is giving ourselves permission to do things differently.  Giving ourselves permission to take care of ourselves.  To stop, to rest, to listen to our bodies, to say no.  Reviewing our boundaries and often working with a coach to help stick to them.  There is great power to be had from sticking to our boundaries and saying no, however it is a new habit that can feel very uncomfortable at first, and like all new habits it requires commitment and persistence and consistency.  But with time we can rewrite the rule book.  We can say no to things if they do not serve us.  We can let ourselves rest when we really need to.  However, the buck usually rests with us.  Who is in charge?  We are.  Who do we need permission from?  No one but ourselves.  Lack of boundaries is one of the top areas of discussion in coaching sessions and seeing my clients create a plan that serves them better and choosing themselves first when needed, is one of my own barometers for personal fulfilment.

So, this December I  can feel that the scales are tipping.  My body is grumbling at me, my mood is more erratic than usual, and my zest for life in general can be at a lower ebb.  However, this time I also choose me.  Amidst the chaos of family life, managing a business, carol concerts and orchestral soirees, and general seasonal frivolity, I am doing the things that are important to me and saying no to the rest.  On the one day a week that I ‘should’ be doing my work admin, I am going to give myself permission to lie on the sofa and watch tv for an hour.  Hell, if I need to I might even get  back into bed and have a nap.  I realise that as someone who has become self employed in recent years, and who works from home, being able to do this is a blessing. I have learnt that is what I need to be ok, and to be the best version of myself for others around me. (This was one of the reasons I needed to make my own career change , but that’s a story for another time.)

So this December, who is checking in on you?  What are the essentials and the non-essentials?  Avoid overcommitting to doing extra tasks if you do not have space for them (this year was the first year in 7 years I did not put my hand up to help at our school Christmas fete – sorry!), how important is it that you go to that evening event that (when you felt better) you said you would go to, how would it feel to know that you are allowed to change your mind?  If currently something is not working what needs to change?  Check in on your boundaries and remember you can give yourself permission.  It can feel incredibly empowering to know that and hopefully will reduce the chances of waiting for any dramatic, medical necessities such as a general anaesthetic that finally force you to stop.